


they say time flies, but you keep breaking its wings

by undeliveredtruth



Series: svt requests & randoms [11]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Idols, Implied Domestic Violence/Abuse, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2020-06-26 16:54:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19772467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undeliveredtruth/pseuds/undeliveredtruth
Summary: When he’s 8, Jisoo gets a pen pal. It takes weeks, months for the letters to arrive from Korea, but Jisoo receives them with the same excitement each and every time.Until they stop coming, Jisoo gets two angel wings on his wrist, and his life changes.





	they say time flies, but you keep breaking its wings

**Author's Note:**

  * For [xmhao](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xmhao/gifts).



> Ah Jihan... canon soulmates. I don’t know if I did this justice but thank you so much for the prompt I love Jihan so muuuuchhhhhhh. 🤧 
> 
> Domestic abuse but like... second hand one, felt not seen, idk how to explain, and some religious themes feature in here, so please look out... I hope you enjoy this! ❤️

Jisoo sometimes says the wrong thing at school. Like... not _bad_ words, never, but he uses the words he hears at home, not at school, and he doesn't get why people don't understand. His parents don't use bad words.

It's not until he's 6 that he really understands the concept of languages, and what his parents call identity. It's a hard word, but Jisoo understands he has more of those than some of his friends. But because he's not the only one, there are other people like him, he doesn't feel different.

When he's 7, he learns how to properly write and read. He learns English at school, and Korean at home, so he's good at both. His teacher has them write letters to little children that are not as fortunate as them, send them small, handmade gifts. All his classmates get a letter back. Jisoo doesn't.

So he goes to his teacher after school is done one day. His parents are waiting to pick him up, but Jisoo thinks they can wait. This is important for Jisoo.

"Teacher... can I ask you something?"

"Yes, Joshua," she bends down to his height.

"I didn't get a reply to my letter yet, and I was thinking if... I could write to someone back at home?"

"Back at home where, dear?"

"In Korea. My parents said that would be okay." His parents didn't say anything, but Jisoo really wants to.

"Oh, of course, darling. But I cannot really help you with writing. You have to ask your parents."

—

Jisoo does. They agree, and help him find a place to send it to. He doesn't put a name on it, but when he sits down to write, he tries to think of someone. Of a little boy, his age maybe, getting his letter.

_"Hi!  
My name is Jisoo and I live in Los Angeles, USA! I am writing to see if you want to be friends! I am sending lots of snacks from the US! Enjoy!"_

It's not a complicated letter. His parents buy a lot of snacks to put in the box, write something of their own, and they go with him to send it.

His dad cries when they send it. Jisoo doesn't understand why, but he holds his dad's hand with his mom, and doesn't ask until they get home.

Later, they tell him they sent it to an orphanage. Jisoo doesn't know that word, but they tell him there are children who do not have a mom and dad. His dad tells him he was there for a few years, before his parents got him back. He doesn't say more, but Jisoo sees the tears in his eyes anyway, and hugs his dad tight.

He doesn't tell his parents, but he's not asleep when they kiss him goodnight. He stays up, thinking about how it is not to have a mom and dad. They love him so much that Jisoo can't even think about it. Not having them.

—

This time, a reply comes. His mom and dad give it to him, and Jisoo is so happy he can't help but laugh and jump. He opens the letter quickly, trying to read it right away. The letters look different from the ones in books, more bendy, harder to make out, so his parents help him read.

 _“Hello Jisoo,_  
_My name is Jeonghan. It is nice to meet you. Where is Los Angeles? They say it's far.  
Thank you for the snacks, I ate them well. I do not have any snacks to send, but I made a drawing for you."_

Jisoo shakes the envelope and a little piece of paper falls out. It is a drawing. It almost looks like a cat with angel wings. Jisoo puts it on his desk and smiles every time he sees it.

 _"Dear Jeonghan,_  
_I'm so happy you got my letter! Thank you for writing. It is nice to meet you too!_  
_America is far, my parents and I never went to Korea, but I want to. Is it nice?  
When is your birthday? I want to send you a birthday gift. Mine is December 30!_

_Jisoo"_

It takes more than a month for a response to arrive. Jisoo goes to school, studies well, goes to church, studies music, but the letter is always somewhere in the back of his mind. Wonders if Jeonghan is doing well.

 _"Dear Jisoo,_  
_Korea is nice. It is really warm in the summer and really cold in the winter. But it is really nice. I think you'd like it._  
_My birthday is October 4th. I was born in 1995. What about you? Are you a hyung or a dongsaeng? Or are we friends? What do you like to do?  
My helper said that you might not know Korean very well, so I should write simply to you. But I think you are Korean really, and you write very well, right?_

_Jeonghan"_

1995\. Jisoo is also born in 1995.

Friends. They're friends. Jisoo has friends at school, but the word sits right on his tongue anyway when thinking about Jeonghan. Jisoo thinks he understands then what identity means. Jisoo has friends, but Jeonghan is his 친구. In his heart, it feels a little different.

—

Jeonghan and he quickly learn about each other, as their letters get longer. When three weeks, a month passes, Jisoo has so much to tell him it can barely fit in a page.

When he's 10, he starts sending two sometimes.

_"Dear Jeonghan,_

_I just got a computer. I don't really know what it is, but it has a lot of interesting games and things. There are little round things that you put in it, and you play games. I'll send you a picture of it when I was playing. It's really fun, I wish you were here so you could play with me too!_  
_Also, guitar lessons are going well. I think I really like it, and people at church have been asking me to play more often. Told me I am talented, and I have a nice voice. I think it's nice to hear! I don't know if they tell me that because they're nice to me or it's true, but everyone seems to be surprised when I come home and play, so I think it's going well._  
_Did you start guitar lessons too? I know you said you wanted to try them! Or did take singing lessons?_  
_My parents said we're going to try to go to Korea next year. My dad can't really travel because of his job, but he said next year he will try to take a vacation at the same time as mom, so I can come visit! I really want to meet you in person! (I didn't know that word, but mom just taught it to me.)_  
_I hope you're doing well, and that you're okay. I know it didn't work out with that family, but I'm sure something will eventually work, and you will find the best family. Good things come to those who wait, right?_

_Love, Jisoo"_

After Jeonghan explained it to him, Jisoo understood more of his life. He's in an orphanage because his parents gave him up, which made Jisoo so sad for weeks, before he realized talking about it doesn't help Jeonghan. He says he's in a good place, and he has a few people who really help him. But he still wants a family, wants a mom and dad too, so Jisoo's heart breaks every single time he mentions that. Jisoo doesn't mention his mom and dad anymore much, except when it's about going to Korea.

Jisoo's excited. There's nothing he's asked for his past two birthdays and Christmas other than this, almost disappointed when his parents got him things instead of that. But he understands. Good things come to those who wait.

—

_"Dear Jisoo,_

_I am glad you got that thing! I don't know what it is, but it looks really fun! Tell me more about the games._  
_I asked for a guitar, but I think I have to save up money for it. I started saving up, so I should get one soon! One of my helpers is helping me with vocal lessons though, because she has a nice voice, so she teaches me things sometimes. I learned how to read notes and I'm studying hard, and sometimes she gives me songs to practice on. So I'll be learning quick._  
_I really hope you can come to Korea. I don't have a lot of time to write this letter because I have exams next week, but I really, really want to meet you too. Please tell me when you do._  
_I'm doing well. I hope you're doing well too._

_Love, Jeonghan"_

—

Jisoo turns 11. His parents throw him a party with his friends, and then one with their family, but they do it on a Friday, the day before his birthday.

Because Jisoo might get a mark on Friday evening. His parents sit him down after dinner, and explain it to him. Jisoo knows a lot about soulmates, has done a lot of reading, but he still listens to his parents, because he knows they are not soulmates.

"If you get a mark, it means that a connection is formed with someone who is like your best friend, but more than that. It means that they're made to be with you, in some way or another. Whatever it is, whoever it is... we support you. You should know that, alright, darling?"

Jisoo hugs his parents extra tight that evening. He's thankful for having such awesome, loving parents, and he's always sure to express it.

—

Saturday morning, Jisoo jumps out of bed the second his eyes open. He has to scour his body, look for the mark, try to find where it might be, if it is there, because some people don't get soulmates.

In the end, he doesn't have to do much scouring, because the mark is on his wrist. It's black and white, and Jisoo stares. Stares and stares, and tears up.

There is someone out there for him, someone who will love Jisoo forever, no matter what.

The littlest pair of wings on his wrist. Jisoo traces them with his finger, the tip of it almost fully covering them. An angel. His own angel.

His parents cry too, when he shows it to them. Hug him, tell him that next year, in May, they're going to Korea.

Jisoo cries a little bit more. Out of happiness. His dreams all feel like they're coming true, and Jisoo's heart feels so big, like it will burst.

—

_"Dear Jeonghan,_

_I didn't get a reply from you after your birthday. I hope you're doing fine._  
_I got my soulmate mark today. It's a little pair of angel wings on my wrist. I love it so much, I cried a lot._  
_It made me think of your drawing, that first one you sent me. It looks a bit similar to that._  
_I hope you're doing well._

_Love, Jisoo"_

—

That's the last letter Jisoo sends Jeonghan. After that, all his letters get sent back as unreceived. His parents try to write to the orphanage and their letters get sent back too. They call, and no one answers.

In January, Jisoo starts... to feel bad. It starts as a little something on the edge of his consciousness, something that makes him feel sad sometimes. When he comes back from school, sometimes he doesn't even eat the lunch his parents made for him in the morning, just drops down on his bed.

His parents start noticing. It's... Jisoo has no reason. School is going well, church is going well, his guitar and vocal lessons are going well too. Jisoo should be happy. But the feelings get stronger and stronger, taking over him sometimes until he finds himself crying in his pillow for no obvious reason at night.

Jisoo worries a lot. For Jeonghan mostly, but now... he has a feeling it's from something else, these feelings.

His parents take him to a counselor. Jisoo explains what's wrong, and then the counselor smiles kindly, puts her clipboard down.

"Joshua, you do have a soulmate, right?"

Jisoo looks down at his left wrist, his small mark covered by bracelets.

"Yes."

"Do you know your soulmate yet?"

"No," Jisoo shakes his head, looks at her. "I didn't meet them."

She nods, pursing her lips. "Soulmate connections are different for different people. Their strength, the way they manifest, is unique from pair to pair, and it develops the longer you have known your soulmate. When soulmates are together for a long time or, I guess for you, if you met your soulmate before your bond was confirmed, the link extends until minds are linked, in various ways. Are you sure you haven't met your soulmate?"

Jisoo thinks of the people at school. It's customary to show your mark to everyone, in hope they are your soulmate. But people say that you know anyway, when you meet them. Jisoo hasn't felt anything like that.

"I haven't," Jisoo shakes his head, furrowing his eyebrows.

"That is strange, but... the way you were talking to me about this, I am fairly sure it is not you, but it is your soulmate who is sending you those emotions. You seem to have a very strong connection."

"So... what should I do?" Jisoo asks, a knot in his throat.

"There is nothing you can do, I suppose. You can try to use your connection to help them, if they are going through something difficult, send them positive emotions if they send you negative ones. It is difficult, Jisoo, because usually these kinds of links are built when there is already history between the soulmates, and they can better control and manage their link and what goes through it. I apologize I cannot help you more, but I will just tell you to stay strong. You are helping them already."

Jisoo gulps, nods and thanks her. When he walks out, he walks into his parents' arms and cries. For his soulmate.

But Jisoo has a lot of love in his heart. He guesses he just has to send it.

—

It rarely gets better. It gets worse, if that's possible. When they get on the plane to Korea, in June, eventually, Jisoo is still as determined as ever to find Jeonghan, but there is an anxiety in his chest that just won't go away.

Maybe Jisoo just hates planes. That might be it.

He holds his dad's hand throughout most of the flight, when he's not asleep. He's excited though. If... if they can find Jeonghan and meet him, Jisoo is excited. Everything will be better.

Jisoo thinks of nothing but the day they decided to go to the orphanage building. He didn't talk to his parents much about Jeonghan, he didn't insist on it, because he knows his parents haven't been back home in a long time either, and he doesn't want to ruin it for them.

But they know. So on day 3, after visiting so many things that left Jisoo in awe, they go to the address Jisoo knows by heart, in Korean and English.

The feeling in his chest got more and more intense the closer the taxi approached the address. His heart felt like it was going to burst; with anticipation, anxiety, dread, excitement, so many things. Jisoo just wants to see Jeonghan. That's it.

They get there. His dad recognizes the street, recognizes the place. But when they exit the taxi, the building is nothing like Jisoo expected. It's tall, black, with many windows. There's a logo on it.

It's an office building, some parts of it still being built. Jisoo sees his dad check the address, check it again. It's right.

Jisoo wants to beg them to enter anyway. To go in. There's a small sliver of hope in his heart.

They do go in, through the automatic doors, in the big lobby, to the reception desk. A woman smiles up at them, and his parents approach the desk.

Jisoo stays a little bit behind, because... he thinks he gets it. He doesn't need to know the answer.

When his father turns around, the expression on his face squishes the little flame inside him.

"She said that this is a new building, that the building before was indeed an orphanage, but it was closed because of some issue. The building was taken down for this to be built. She can't help, that's all she knows."

Jisoo nods, and nods again. Looks at the receptionist like this is a dream, and it will all change into what he wants to see. But it's not.

This time, Jisoo thinks the sadness in his heart is not his soulmate's. It's his.

—

No matter how hard they try, there's no trace of anything, of the orphanage or Jeonghan. It's like it vanished. It’s also not like they can look in many places, so... they leave.

On the plane back, Jisoo realizes it's not a fear of planes he has. It's just sadness, anxiety. He closes his eyes, and hopes Jeonghan is fine. Wherever he might be.

—

The trip only made the connection stronger, it seems. Jisoo spends way more time now trying to battle with the thoughts inside his head than before. It's... it's different. Maybe added to Jisoo's own feelings, it's a struggle to not fall under them, to send the love and the positive feelings he tries to keep and send.

When he's 13, he feels it for the first time. Pain. Actual physical pain. It's not concentrated, it's more somewhere in his chest, kind of vague, nowhere and everywhere at once, and it's _painful._

His mother finds him crying in his bedroom, his knees tucked to his chest. Hugs him, his head buried in her shoulder, his tears wetting her shirt. She doesn't say anything, pats his hair, pressing her lips on his forehead, rocking him side to side.

The pain doesn't go away. It stays there, and Jisoo wants it to _stop._ Not for him, not for him, but for his soulmate.

He wants it to stop, but it doesn't. It doesn't for hours, until Jisoo's crying has turned into silent sobs, and the pain settles into a dull ache in his heart.

—

Jisoo lives with it. He learns to live with the pain, learns to live with the feelings. It seems like it takes him ages, and maybe it is ages before he feels like himself again. Before he can find any sort of enjoyment in going to school, hanging out with friends, playing guitar, singing at church.

At 14, when he enters high school, Jisoo realises he’s more mature than most of his classmates though. It’s not a bad observation, but none of them know their soulmates, and they all say they’re waiting. They’re waiting for a pretty girl or handsome guy, that and that only, to live with for the rest of their lives. But they’re waiting, peacefully, happily.

Jisoo looks at them during lunch, laughs with them, calm and kind, while pain travels through his body, settles in his heart.

He’s learned to ignore it. It’s been more than a year now that he feels it sometimes, several times a week, sometimes several times a day. When it happens, he tries to stay calm, smile, send comfort to his soulmate, send him his reassurance.

Nothing more he can do. Nothing more.

His parents tell him he should believe in God, that his comfort is in the knowledge of Him, in his faith. Jisoo tries, kneels next to his bed, his eyes closed, and tries.

Tries to pray, tries really hard. He prays, he prays with all he has, while little stabs of pain travel through his chest.

He prays, and prays, and it doesn’t go away.

If there is a God, Jisoo thinks he’s nothing but cruel.

—

He’s 16 when it happens.

When he wakes up in a cold sweat, realizes the sheer agony traveling through him. He gasps like he’s been stabbed, because that’s what it feels like.

He frantically looks down, expects to see blood on the covers, a hole in his chest. There’s nothing. There’s nothing, but Jisoo’s in so much pain.

He groans, curls up into himself, pressing a hand into his chest. His mother doesn’t hear him this time.

Doesn’t hear his cries, the almost desperate sounds he makes, hoping it goes away, thinking of nothing but that. If he’s feeling like this, what is his soulmate going through?

It’s hours. It feels like hours before he can breathe again, hoarse breaths that don’t satisfy the need for air in his lungs, tears feeling like they’re taking all his energy in his body. The pain dulls, but it stays there. Jisoo turns on his computer, frantically Googles how to find your soulmate.

There’s no answer. Marks are rarely the same, and there’s no way to know who they are besides seeing them. There’s no way.

Jisoo tries really hard to send his comfort to his soulmate. Tries really hard, but wonders how much it helps.

—

It’s the last time he feels it. For weeks, he feels nothing but numbness. One night, while he's laying in bed, he wonders if... his soulmate is dead.

If that's what it feels when your soulmate dies.

Filled with panic, he opens his computer again. Looks up 'how to tell if your soulmate died', and dread fills him while the results load. He can't be dead. He can't be.

People describe feeling like a part of them broke. Forever, like they just knew it's gone. It's not like how Jisoo felt, not that intense pain. Apparently, it feels like emptiness.

Jisoo feels like it's not it. Like his soulmate is still out there, somewhere, waiting for Jisoo.

—

Slowly, slowly, feelings return. They're harder to make out; there's no more pain, only very rarely, there's more... emptiness. Some anger, some restlessness, making Jisoo's hands shake and his heart choke up sometimes.

Honestly, he's glad. He'll take it all, if it means his soulmate is there, somewhere.

He hopes his relief shows through their bond though. Jisoo's hope, his unconditional love. He loves them, whoever it might be. Whatever, no matter what.

Jisoo thinks that maybe his soulmate needs that hope and reassurance. He starts focusing on music, going to festivals, continues singing at church, nurtures that hope and ambition in his chest. Jisoo can be strong for _him._

—

At 18, when the people come to him and tell him they're from a Korean music company, that they've watched him for a month and they think he has a very bright future ahead of him, Jisoo makes the decision in his heart in less than a second.

His parents wouldn't agree, but Jisoo has never wanted anything more in his life.

He knows... his soulmate is probably from Korea, somewhere there. Traced the hours when he felt something, the hours when he didn't, realized that in his afternoon, the link was usually quiet. It makes sense, and Jisoo... knows it. That it's right.

He could be signing away his life on a slave contract, but it doesn't matter to Jisoo. It feels right.

—

He's never been to Korea since that time 7 years ago, but when the plane lands this time, there's a different kind of feeling in his chest. Like he's home.

Korea is his home. Even if the Pledis trainee dorms are strange, and to be honest, he misses his parents. Even if the other trainees are also a bit strange, but endearingly so, enough to make Jisoo laugh with them from the first few days. He could see himself becoming real close to them, hoping to debut.

And then... one day, a week in, he walks into the practice room, looks around, lays eyes on someone, and it feels like the whole world fell to his feet.

He turns his eyes, meets his, and Jisoo _knows._ Jisoo knows, and lays with his back on the wall, to support himself.

He's beautiful. He's so beautiful Jisoo never thought it possible.

And then he's coming towards Jisoo, Jisoo's eyes tunnel vision on him, and smiles.

"Hi. I'm Jeonghan."

The puzzle pieces from Jisoo's life arrange themselves, frazzled, hurried, before they quietly settle into a complete picture, and then it all makes sense.

His _soulmate._

"Hi. I'm Jisoo."

—

Jisoo never knew that something could be this easy and this hard at the same time. They clearly are soulmates, it's not even possible to deny it. Jisoo shows Jeonghan his mark, and Jeonghan shows him his. On his right hand there's a pair of wings too, the same picture as Jisoo's. Except they're black, filled in. Jisoo traces them with his finger, unable to stop himself. Feels a little when Jeonghan shivers, a trace of something going through him as well.

It's easy because they fit. Two ones that make a one, and they understand each other instantly on a deeper level than friendship. But... it's hard because it feels like there are years of baggage attached to their link, and Jisoo doesn't even know where to start unpacking it.

One day, he finds Jeonghan in a practice room, singing by himself. His voice is beautiful, Jisoo stops to listen for a bit before he goes in. There are no cameras in this one.

He sits down on the ground, his back to the door, his eyes on Jeonghan's until he turns around. That's when Jisoo takes out his wallet, and from a pocket in it, pulls out a small piece of paper. Jeonghan takes it, fiddles with it in his hands.

"You kept this?"

"Yeah." The little cat with the wings. Jisoo's taken it from his desk and with him when he left home.

Jeonghan nods, hands it back to him. Pulls out his own wallet, and pulls out another piece of paper. It's bigger, folded into little pieces.

Jisoo takes it, and recognizes his handwriting from 7 years ago. The last letter Jeonghan ever received from him.

"I knew then, that it was you."

"You did?"

"Yeah. I wanted to tell you when I received my own mark, that I did. But... I waited. Hoping that maybe it was you, I waited to see if there was anything that could tell me that. But then you sent me that letter and I got it, and I knew, but... I couldn't send you another one."

"What happened, Jeonghanie?" Jisoo asks, his voice slow. "Do you want to tell me?"

"You deserve me telling you," he huffs. "After I've put you through so much pain.

Jisoo shakes his head. It does not matter now. Nothing matters.

"We went bankrupt. They had to send us all away, had a month to after the new year. Some of them they sent to other orphanages, some of them they send to assistants, but some of us... they adopted us out as quickly as they could. Without any review.

I ended up in a house that already had 6 other kids, all adoptees. It was... they took us in for money from the government. It was not... it was worse than the orphanage. We slept two on a bed, sometimes on the floor if it was cold in the winter, to get a bit of the heat from them. They barely fed us, not even talking about going to school. We had to figure it out ourselves, but we all did. We all went to school, and the older siblings took care of the younger ones and so, but... umm. Yeah. They hit us. A lot. Nothing we could do, really, because they always made sure you couldn't see it. Nowhere really obvious, and threatened us not to tell anyone at school," he explains, swallowing. Jisoo tries to keep a straight face, even if he can feel the sadness emanating from Jeonghan. Both on the outside and on the inside.

"I ended up taking it more than others because I was really outspoken, fought back. I'm... sure you know when I'm talking about. That evening... I got angry, and hit him back. And it was like all hell broke loose. I was the eldest in the house, so... I felt bad for the younger kids, but I ran away. Some of the older kids who left, my helper from back then helped me until I turned 18, and... here I am."

Jisoo bites his lip in his mouth, scrunches his eyebrows. Jeonghan speaks like he's left that life behind, but it's clearly still painful. His confidence though, Jisoo marvels at that. You can't tell. More than fighting those people, he's fought himself.

"I'm sorry. I know you felt it too, because I feel what you feel too... I'm sorry."

"No. Don't be sorry," Jisoo shakes his head. "Please don't be. I... it's not that I don't care. But that didn't matter to me. All that mattered is that you were alright."

It's strange. Because it's not like Jeonghan's revealing to Jisoo a part of his life that Jisoo didn't know. He _was there_ and at the same time was not. His empathy is different.

”It... it helped a lot,” Jeonghan admits, low and hesitant. “You did. You helped me a lot. Just knowing... I have a soulmate. It helped a lot.” 

Jisoo almost tears up. He’s so glad to hear that. So glad, like all the years of pain, of worrying, of wondering, all of those were worth it. And they were. They were, if they brought Jeonghan even a little bit of comfort, the same way they brought Jisoo acceptance and love in return.

He swallows his doubts, raises his eyes to Jeonghan's. "Jeonghannie... What do you want us to be?"

Soulmates can be many things. Platonic, not platonic, friends, more than friends, best friends, lovers, partners for life. They could be anything.

"I don't know. I... had seven years to think about this and I still don't know. I'm sorry, Jisoo," Jeonghan says again, so unlike the confident Jeonghan Jisoo's gotten to know.

"Okay. Okay," Jisoo nods.

"Don't... think I'm rejecting you. I'm not. I just... I think I need a bit more time."

Jisoo gets that. Jisoo has time.

—

But there's a lot about the awkwardness of life as a trainee that always draws Jisoo and Jeonghan together. When where you stand with other people is unclear, the soulmate bond, no matter how undecided, pulls them together. Jisoo spends a lot of time with Jeonghan, in and out of the practice rooms.

More than making things awkward, it makes things natural. Nobody knows, even as Jisoo and Jeonghan get closer to other trainees. They can joke with each other and joke with them, say both truth and lie to the cameras in the same tone, with the same expression.

They're very similar. Fanservice is a concept they understand instinctually, both knowing how to separate themselves, how to lie without it being a lie and yet without letting it affect them as a lie might. Jeonghan says he's closest to Jisoo, because he is, and Jisoo takes his hand, laughs at the camera, and it's all play. No matter the fact that they know it's not.

He feels what Jeonghan feels. Once, he's at the computer with Dongjin in a practice room, listening to a song, when he feels Jeonghan drift asleep behind him.

"Jeonghan-ah, don't sleep," he calls out, and Jeonghan startles on the inside, laughs on the outside.

"You didn't even look at me, how did you know?" Jeonghan smiles, asks, surprise in his tone.

"Dongjin told me," Jisoo answers, flat.

"Dongjin didn't look at me either," Jeonghan remarks, and Jisoo lets it drift.

Jeonghan keeps him on his toes. Jisoo already feels himself change, enter something that is bound to turn his world upside down.

—

Jeonghan doesn't carry his trauma on the outside. He does on the inside, so when he's with Jisoo in the room, and Jisoo's had a really bad day, and he just wants... something, a hug, a pat on the shoulder, to borrow warmth from Jeonghan and cuddle with him until he falls asleep, anything that’s not in front of the cameras, Jeonghan... furrows his eyebrow.

"I'm sorry, Joshuji. I... I can't." He feels it, probably, Jisoo’s longing, the intensity of his feelings.

Jisoo deflates. He's selfish. He's so, so selfish.

“I’m sorry too. I can’t... control it.”

They’re living their life on two extremes, a constant push and pull, between the their bond and the limitations they themselves are putting on it. The intensity of their bond, the fact that they met each other before, apparently, even if not really, meant they had the intense bond of decade old lovers, while having *really* met each other a few months before.

Jisoo’s not mad at anything. He doesn’t want to change anything, he doesn’t want Jeonghan to change, or to do anything; he’d say no if Jeonghan wanted to give him something he didn’t want to give. Jisoo just... wants.

Wants, longs for something beyond his consciousness. Something beyond him, beyond the human body he lives in, something to soothe his soul and not his mind.

—

Jeonghan fights hard for people not to know. Jisoo thinks only Seungcheol, the oldest of the trainees, and him, know about Jeonghan’s past.

So when one day, in their practice room, while they’re all gathered in a circle and having a singing contest, when pain stabs through Jisoo, he tries to be calm.

Sneak a look at Jeonghan, whose eyes are furrowed, and who’s quiet. It’s not physical, not like it used to feel, it’s... different. Akin to panic, but way calmer.

Jisoo doesn’t know if he is calm. Jumping up from his spot, he catches Jeonghan’s wrist in his, pulling him up and away from everybody. The closest place he finds empty is the bathroom at the end of the hall, and he pulls Jeonghan in.

“What’s wrong?” Jisoo asks immediately, checking Jeonghan’s face for any signs of whatever’s wrong.

“Nothing,” Jeonghan shakes his head, his eyes boring into Jisoo’s. Jisoo breathes in.

“Jeonghan... you don’t have to lie to me.” You can’t lie to me, Jisoo wants to say, but there is a difference between feeling things and wanting to say them.

Slow. Jisoo wants to take it slow, but he’s been feeling Jeonghan suffer for years and he doesn’t want it anymore.

Jeonghan sighs. “The song Seungkwannie sang... he used to listen to it a lot in the house. I hated hearing it. I don’t... I didn’t have a panic attack, I just... hate hearing it.”

Oh... oh.

“Wanna just hang out here for a while then?” Jisoo asks, painting a smile on his lips.

“No. We should.. we should go back. The cameras.”

The damn cameras, Jisoo thinks, and then remembers he was always taught not to use bad words.

One step forward, one step back. Jeonghan and he end up in the same place all the time.

(Or maybe... one and a half forward, Jisoo thinks when he exists the bathroom and a Jeonghan pauses just a little, and then says thank you.)

—

Same place and yet moving forward. Trainee years pass by like lightning, and before they know it, they’re in a debut project, writing songs, busking, appearing on TV.

TV cameras are different compared to studio cameras, Jisoo thinks. They can focus on you, pick on you. Follow you, zoom in until they see all your imperfections.

Jisoo learns how to hide differently. How to craft an image, how to have it follow him, become natural. It’s not really a lie, but he had a conversation once with the Vice President, who told him the most important thing about being an idol is mystery. Have people be attracted to you from the start, and then slowly, slowly release more about you. Become more and more forward, honest, for there to always be something new. Secrets are the key to the game.

Jisoo has many, he thinks, as he looks at the bracelet on his wrist, matching with Jeonghan’s.

His mom comes all the way from the US to give him his ring. Jisoo sees her, and is so... so, so... something that he can’t even cry, a knot in his throat. He hasn’t seen her in years. He’s thankful. He’s happy.

They perform for their parents, and Jisoo thinks this is the hardest performance they’ve ever put out. The most rewarding too.

Jeonghan introduces the two people who came for him as his parents, when the cameras are off. Jisoo sends him a questioning glance, and Jeonghan comes to the corner of the room.

“Hello,” Jeonghan politely greets his mom, who smiles at him. “This... is my helper, and her husband.”

Jisoo bows at them, smiles at Jeonghan.” “This is my mother,” Jisoo says, smiles at his mom, who immediately gets it.

“Mom... this is Jeonghan,” he starts, and feels Jeonghan’s fingers tangle with his. “My soulmate.”

**Author's Note:**

> Ah that scene in the practice room actually exists and it’s taken word by word haha... canon Jihan soulmates. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I’m on CC and twt @bbysvts if you wanna come chat with me! ❤️


End file.
